Category Archives: Memories

Toilet Miracle

Miracles should happen in exotic places, maybe while traveling and visiting a foreign land or a city like Jerusalem. They don’t happen in fast food joints while looking at a cheese burger or a movie theater bathroom wall. I don’t care how many people think they have seen the head of Christ in a tree, and it seems like there have been one to many.

I just don’t expect miracles anywhere. Why would they happen to some average guy, or even me. Well guess what? Believe it, one did.

I go about my daily life, sometimes in a fog when things get routine enough (except maybe driving the car). I don’t always pay attention to every little thing. No one can. The brain filters out most stimuli anyway. If you do notice something, it stands out for some big reason—a special smile on my mother’s face when she gets the perfect birthday gift or the sudden exquisite appearance of a rainbow. How about the first blooms of spring or morning dew on a new rose?

You can imagine my surprise when my “miracle” happened in the toilet – at home in my own environs. How mundane, ordinary, and just plain amazing it was. I would Rate My Toilet experience as a divine miracle – I was primping for a while in the bathroom one morning and approached the bowl with the usual mindlessness. Expecting it to be clean, I was aggravated to see a rather large wad of paper floating inside. The swirling finally stopped as I stood aghast. There was the face of Sean Connery in all his manly Scottish glory. Don’t ask how I knew. It was Sean, that’s it. I stared and stared and he didn’t depart. (Don’t ask if it was the bald version.)

I got a little panicky and flushed. As much as I adore him and love his looks, I don’t want him staring up at me from the privacy of my own toilet. It is not a celebrity experience I crave. I don’t want to see anyone or anything: male, female, young or old, animal, vegetable or mineral.

So who left this lovely legacy? I was alone. No friends had been in the house. No family had visited. Did that make it more of a miracle? Can I be sure I had not done the deed? These are questions not worth asking. You don’t need credit for weird things, but you do get a bit curious. It’s not a matter of “who done it” but why you think Sean Connery is even there. (I think I see too many photos of him on the Internet…or something.) I put back the DVD I was going to view that night, reserved for a calmer day.

So a word to the wise. Don’t look in your toilet. If you glimpse a bit of paper, or whatever, flush it fast and go on with your life. You don’t want visitors from beyond, images of the surreal, phantoms of non-reality. They may seem like miracles, but they are not! Get a grip and get a life.